The mystery of the ‘mad monk’s’ bishop

It's no small matter

By Pip Wilson

The name Rasputin in Russian does not mean ‘licentious’, as is often claimed. However there is very similar Russian adjective, ‘rasputnii’ which does in fact mean ‘licentious’, and for whatever reasons, Rasputin’s name will always be associated with sexual libertinism. The folklore of his genitalia, which is probably no more than folklore, is one reason for this.

According to Rasputin’s daughter, Maria, her father’s penis was 13 inches long when erect. So perhaps his profound influence at the Russian imperial court was more than spiritual. How Ms Rasputin came to have this information is not known, though some say she acquired that very organ as a keepsake after his death.

It has been alleged that Grigori frequented St Petersburg’s bathhouses and was seen entering, with both aristocrats and prostitutes, these places of sex, magic and superstition, where he performed rituals in which he attempted to exorcise the demons of lechery by literally beating them out of women. Afterwards he would have intercourse with them. We all know the value of “kiss and make up”.

One society woman, Olga Lokhtina, was so affected by the charismatic peasant that she thought he was Christ and she the Virgin Mary; she even left her rich husband and children for him. On one occasion, it is said, Rasputin was observed violently beating her while she held on to his schlong, shouting, “I am your ewe, and you are Christ.” 

The helpful maid

It is widely believed that on the night of Rasputin’s murder (December 16 by the Julian calendar that was still used in Russia at the time, but December 30 according to the Gregorian calendar), the great member was severed from his body and flung across the scene of the crime: the dining room in the basement of the palace of Prince Felix Yussupov, one of his murderers. Stories differ as to whether the emasculation of the Tsarina’s favourite took place before or after his death. 

His maid was said to have found Rasputin’s thing while cleaning up the apartment, after the murder. Then, in Paris during the 1920s, a cult of Russian émigré women worshipped an object that they believed to be the organ in question. Or, so it is said. Some say that the relic adored by these cult followers was kept in a wooden casket, but bits were broken off and given to disciples. The story goes that Marie Rasputin, on discovering the wee-wee cult, expressed her disapproval in strong terms and took possession of whatever it was they were worshipping.

After a middling career as a circus performer in Europe, South America and the US, the ‘mad monk’s’ daughter died in California in 1977, aged 78 (she is buried in Rosedale Memorial Park, Los Angeles), having failed in her ambition of changing, by means of a book she had written, the popular view of her father as a stereotypical weirdo – no small task even for a good writer. (Actually, we should note here that he was not actually a monk, but a starets, or religious pilgrim.)

A black, wizened object

The legend goes further, that antique dealer Michael Augustine, of Davenport, a small ocean-side community north of Santa Cruz, California, came into possession of Rasputin’s roger. In 1994 at a storage locker sale he'd bought as a job lot, he found the effects of a certain Dr Roberta Ripple, deceased, former president of the Santa Monica Writers Club. Dr Ripple’s possessions included three type-written manuscripts by Marie Rasputin – a hagiography of her father, My Father Rasputin, (ghosted by Roberta Ripple) a novel (My Boots Are Narrow), and a short article entitled ‘Wreck of An Empire’.

But there was more – in its own velvet pouch, a black, wizened object (eeeyewww!) was found resembling the uncircumcised helmet (glans) of a penis. An accompanying note identified it as Rasputin's john thomas and stated that Marie Rasputin had been given it by Rasputin's maid and former lover, who claimed she'd been present at his dismemberment.

A manuscript by Marie – and the wizened object – were sold to a person or persons unknown at Bonham's London auction house (“Auctioneers & Valuers Since 1793”) on March 10, 1994, for the scarcely princely sum of £350. The missing member was last seen, held aloft, at a press conference at the auction house.

Sea cucumber?