Wilson's Almanac on President George W Bush

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Wilson's Almanac exclusive

Text of the leaflet dropped on Iraq 

by the millions before the invasion

 

 

 

Men and women of Iran  Irak  Iraqu, My name is Mister Bush and I am the Leader of the Free Whole World. Perhaps you’ve heard of me. You might have seen me on CNN.  I look nice. I talk nice. I am nice. I talk in threes. This is because I am a statesman. Folks, my friendly forces, about 250,000 (half a million) very nice people have come to make you liberated and very happy. Stand by for lots of little USA flags dropping from the sky soon, like these leaflets. These do not come from your heathen idols in the sky, but from my country. You can wave these when we come to your town and you won’t get collateralated. CNN NBC and Fox will film this for the whole world to see, so smile when you cheer. Didn’t you just love that bit in old Hollywood war movies? That’s where I got the idea. People like you always do that. It’s very very nice. We’re going to liberate the hell out of you, so get them lil old flags ready, friends! Soon you will have the lives you have always wanted, like on television. You’ve seen Happy Days. Like that. If you go underground for a few months, away from that nasty wall of fire, it will protect your eyes and make them free for democracy and television, so please do that now. Some of you might be worried by rumors that the wall of fire will suck the air out of your underground shelters like last time. Let me assure you that this will not happen. Prayers are now being said for this by a focus group over here, called the peace movement. Of course, if you have an oxygen cylinder, maybe you shouldn’t sell it for water or grain just yet. You have a very nice country. As I was saying to my lil old wife Luara at supper last night, “Luara,” I said, “Lora, that Africa has a Mid East just like our Great Nation has a Mid West”, and Lora agreed that it’s very very nice. Some day I hope to see your great country and climb your pyramids. Friends, there are also phalisy rumors getting around that a million of you might die in this liberation. This is nonsense. When my father liberated you in 1991, less than one-tenth that number (200,000) died. And let’s face it, they were hardly your strongest. Friends, as you know, the leader of your nice little country, Osama Hussein, is a very bad man. And we have absolute proof that he might have weapons that he might one day use, if he can, against America, if he can ever develop missiles that go that far. (He’s already made one that can go 150 kilometers, which I think is about 50,000 miles, almost as far as California.) Hossien has awful weapons to use on real countries like us. Mister Rumsfield kept a lot of receipts, so we know what Hasein’s got. My country has satellites that can read the label on your Diet Coke and can hear you scratch the fleas out of your crotches, so trust me, one day we will have absolute, unrefutible evidence that your country has a vast underground network of sofisticated weapons installations. Like that James Bond movie. The fact that we and all the nations of Europe can’t turn up any evidence proves how wily this Hussein guy is. They must be using alternatives to trucks and other noisy vehicles, and they’ve developed some diabolical form of communication that doesn’t use electronics. And they’ve developed whispering to a high art. As a matter of fact, the lack of evidence proves conclusively how clever this guy is, like Goldfinger or something. In my country, we call it the smoking gun. You know smoking guns? Like in Rawhide. An Gunsmoke. Your dictator killed 3,000 of us on September 11. Don’t believe what you read in the world press, trust what Fox, NBC and CNN tell you. He did it for sure; there weren’t no Sowdy Arabs on them planes, no sirree Bob. I know you people have a religion that’s based entirely on revenge, unlike the True religion, so I know you will rejoice with me that we killed a whole lot more than 3,000 in Aphganistan, plus Lordy knows how many soldiers. And Americans don’t even believe in revenge! So you can see, we’re not so different from Buddha worshippers like you, and we mean business. When we roll into your town, remember, we mean business. If you happen to be a soldier reading this, please surrender when you see the friendly red, white and blue flag on our tanks. We will treat you very well, not like the war criminal running your rinky-dink lil old country. After we put you in the nice shipping containers we will send you to our special holiday resort in the Caribbean where you can await trial in the best justice system in the world. You’ll like it so much you’ll want to stay for years. The rooms might be small, but I know you people don't have the same expectations as us. But if you don’t surrender, you won’t be able to say “I was just following orders”. We will not accept the Nuremstein Defense. You won’t get away with saying that you had to become a soldier to earn a measly nickel a day to look after your starving kids because of the sanctions, or to care for your gol-durn grandma’s operation on her burns. No sirreee! Friends, I hope you have enjoyed this little letter that I have had translated into Muslim for you. Remember, when you see us coming, wave the flags and pick up the yellow food parcels which have lots of suuplys for you, like Pop-Tarts, Pepsi and two Pizza Hut coupons. But don’t be like them stupid towel-head kids in Aphganistan! Don’t just pick up any old yella package. Make sure it’s not a cluster bomb first. They might look the same, but one of them gives you a whuppin’. Luaru and I send you greetings from the Greatest Country in the World. Join us in our prayers for a hasty resolation to these hosstilities. We look forward to actually meeting some of you Iranis some day, so God bless and may you rest in peace.   George W. Bush

 

 

© Pip Wilson, Wilson's Almanac, 2003 - now

May be reprinted anywhere if you add: Reprinted by permission from Wilson's Almanac http://www.wilsonsalmanac.com

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Index of Articles on folklore and other topics

Dubya dance

Myths of the War on Terrorism and Iraq
What CNN and Bush won't tell you!

Mentiras da Mídia Sobre o Iraque
Portuguese version of the previous article 'Myths'

America's imperial eagle
An essay in pictures: The US symbol says much about today

President Bush announces his Global Peace Imaginatorium
Is it satire, is it prophetic, or is it just maybe a good idea?

Terror alerts!
From our Department of Homeland Fascism

The Real Reason for the Iraq War
WC has a different slant from the usual "it's all about oil"

Bush just sat there (9-11 video)
Weird: Bush's incongruous behaviour on September 11 

Tell friends about this page

 
Copyright-free toons

 

Useful links

Our BIG directory of 1,000+ peace-related URLs

Iraqis have paid the blood price for a fraudulent war

Flash show: The facts on Saddam Hussein, America's puppet

Lots of stuff on Homeland Security at InfoClearinghouse

More bloodlust than a real war
Bush made articulate for Tribune readers - or for Bush?
EgyptianIntellectual Speaks Of the Arab World's Despair
Ex-CIA director: USA faces 'World War IV'
The Night After, by Uri Avnery
Meet the New Butcher of Baghdad
Who is Ahmed Chalabi, Bush's choice for Baghdad?
More on Chalabi from Time Magazine
Wag the Kennel?
The Kenneth Joseph Story
Arundhati Roy on the war - great article
Visitors flock to Michael Moore site
A Shameful Oscar Night
Michael Moore: My Oscar "Backlash"
US was a key supplier to Saddam
This war was not worth a child's finger
How America Lost the War, William Rivers Pitt
Hollywood exec fired for comments about USA
After Iraq: Perpetual War and a Nuclear World
The War for the White House is on
GreenStar Co-op Products that Feed Globalization
Bush's Napoleonic Complex: Telltale Signs of Empire
Why I Oppose the US War on Terror: ex-Marine Sergeant
The Toppling of the Saddam Statue
Bring Troops Home, Before They Learn to Like Killing
The culture jammers' encyclopedia
They Rule: Clever Flash site shows who rules the world
Chickenhawks: Pro-war, but didn't serve
More questions: An overview of the War on Terrorism
13 Myths: a brief version of our 31 myths
Operation Northwoods, 1962: US Army fake terrorism plan
How US policies betray desire for a non-compliant Iraq
Here it is, conclusive proof against Iraq
A warmonger explains war to a peacenik
Personal Voices: An Open Letter to the US President
Peace Planet: new Webring for your planet-friendly site
George Bush Sr warns George Bush Junior on Iraq
Activists in Baghdad Brace for Consequences of War
51% of Americans still think Iraq did Twin Towers
The Chilling Effects of Anti-Terrorism
Oxfam's appeal to undo our damage in Iraq
"Shut Your Mouth": Assault on civil liberty (Salon mag)
Very funny mpeg: Bush and Blair
Indymedia
Peace Planet: new Webring for your planet-friendly site
Late Night Live, top discussions (with audio)
Paul Kelly's Woomera Song, free download
Bring on the spanners - why we are lucky to have Bush
The Miscalculations of Yes-Men, William Rivers Pitt
The Euro, the $, and the real reasons for the war on Iraq
Links for the February 15 antiwar rallies worldwide
Is Bush nuts? This might explain it all
Naked for peace
Foreknowledge of 9-11?
Huge gallery of photos of February 15 peace rallies
Al-Qaeda and Bush's very strange media conference
Afghanistan has been well and truly betrayed
Pentagon Threatens to Kill Independent Reporters in Iraq
Why Not Kill Dictators with Kindness?
White House spies on UN delegates; US media ducks
Is Bush hearing voices?
US vetoes in UN: allowing Hussein's chemical weapons
Boycott Brand America Campaign
Beyond War, excellent free audio program
Norman Mailer on US and war (audio)
George Monbiot, commentator
Richard Perle applauding Death of the UN
US vetoes in UN: allowing Hussein's chemical weapons
Collateral Language: User's Guide to America's New War
Bush Family Values Photo Album

 

 

 

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