Before the modern physicists tinkered with the universe, it ran very predictably and smoothly. Aristotle and Newtown laid down the laws, God was in outer space and all was well.
Fortunately, despite all the disruptive efforts of Einstein, Heisenberg, Schroedinger and their ilk, some of the trains in the universe still run on time. There are still a few laws that we can count on to be infallible. These are known generally as
Inscrutable, immutable laws of the universe
By Pip Wilson
There are 1013 ways to spell "felafel and homus kebab" (all of them incorrect).
A positive correlation exists between the time taken by a friend to get back to one by phone in "just a minute" and one's need to leave the house for an important appointment.
The number of possible remarks that can actually ameliorate a grossly embarrassing remark at a dinner party approaches zero.
Within 28 days of the conception and deferment of one's brilliant and lucrative idea, it will be reported in the popular press as having been successfully and rewardingly implemented by a person with less talent and pecuniary need than oneself.
Personal financial pressures increase exponentially with the approach of one's car registration expiry date.
A solitary teaspoon in a sink will always be located underneath the tap.
The ratio of those people who see one pick one' nose at the traffic lights to those people who see one returning lost wallets to their owners is expressed as 100:1.
For every unit of decline in an entertainer's popularity there is a concomitant increase in that person's awareness of social issues. (Also expressed as : "For every actor there is an equal and opposite reactor".)
The number of errors of grammar and spelling > or = the number of paragraphs in a by-lined newspaper story.
Regardless of vigorous efforts to remove it with soap and water and all proprietary products, a trace of odour always remains in the human armpit.
Apologies and confessions are entropic. They tend to induce chaos on a later occasion.
Wine attracts wine in direct proportion to its volume. This law is evidenced by the observation that if a host has three bottles of wine in the house, his guests will bring three bottles, while if he has no bottles his guests will bring none.
Cockroaches come from the neighbour's place.
Receptionists are not mothers.
When attached to an eggbeater, any known edible substance attains an adhesive ability greater than any known proprietary glue.
A driver who cuts in front of your vehicle is impelled by the laws of motion to turn left within 50 metres.
Though affecting an air of merriment, more than 90 per cent of New Year's Eve revellers are very depressed, tired and anxious to get home.
The ability of chemical compounds to mix is increased with altitude. (Evidence for this law may be found in the common observation that pharmacists always work in a raised portion of their shop, known in the profession as a pharmacitadel.)
The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
