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The feast of Anna Perenna was celebrated at the first milestone on the Flaminian Way ... Here, apparently between the Flaminian and the Salarian roads, the goddess had a fruitful grove … Macrobius tells us that in the month of March people went to Anna Perenna … in order that they might pass the year and many others in prosperity; and to the same effect Joannes Lydus says that on the Ides of March public prayers were offered that the year might be healthy … these statements furnish a clue to the nature of the festival and of the goddess herself … The pairing of sweethearts, lying on the grass, trolling out ribald staves, and drinking themselves drunk, points to customs like those formerly observed on May Day and Midsummer Eve in many parts of Europe, when the licence accorded to the sexes was a relic of magical rites . It was a day of Valentines.
Sir James George Frazer (1854 - 1941), The Golden Bough, 1922

Great Mother goddess

Highly recommended:
Folklore of World Holidays
by Margaret Read MacDonald

Ancient Ways

The Mark of the Beast
(Spear of Destiny)

The Encyclopedia of Eastern Mythology

Myths and Legends of Japan

Asian Mythology

Myths and Legends of Japan

Spellcraft

The Encyclopedia of Saints

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Feast day of St Longinus, the centurion converted at the Crucifixion

Readers might have heard of the Spear of Destiny, a legendary magical weapon reputed to have been owned by Herod the Great, Roman emperors Constantine and Justinian, Charlemagne, Otto the Great, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, the Habsburg Emperors, Adolf Hitler, and US General George Patton. It is associated in Christian folklore with the Holy Grail, and its origins lie with this saint.

Biblical authors Matthew and Mark both tell of the Roman centurion who said "Truly this man was the son of God", and tradition calls him Longinus. He was popular in medieval legend, and said to have been blind. Presumably in medieval times a blind centurion was believable. However, he didn't remain blind forever. Pontius Pilate ordered Longinus to spear Jesus Christ in the side – according to the legend's version by Jacobus de Voragine (c. 1230 - '98) in the Golden Legend, the blood ran down his spear, into his eyes and restored his sight:

"Some say that when he smote our Lord with the spear in the side, the precious blood avaled by the shaft of the spear upon his hands, and of adventure with his hands he touched his eyes, and anon he that had been tofore blind saw anon clearly, wherefore he refused all chivalry and abode with the apostles, of whom he was taught and christened, and after, he abandoned him to lead an holy life in doing alms and in keeping the life of a monk about thirty-eight years in Cæsarea and in Cappadocia, and by his words and his example many men converted he to the faith of Christ."   Source: Golden Legend, translated by William Caxton

When Longinus was 27, he was living at Caesaria of Cappadocia, when news of his zealous Christian witness made its way to the governor, Octavius, who summoned him. After a religious discussion, Longinus was commanded to worship the Roman idols, and eat of the sacrifice offered to them. Tradition says that he refused, so his tongue and teeth were removed.

After more torture, he offered Octavius a deal; if he could destroy the idols, Octavius must be converted. But if the pagan gods did him any injury, Longinus would become a pagan. Presumably in medieval times a tongueless man making a deal was believable as well.

Governor Octavius smashed all the idols and demons fled from their stone casings, but Longinus captured them and interrogated them. They said that his god, Jehovah, was the greatest god and that they had set up in the stone because it was a nice place to live and had not been sanctified. These dreadful demons claimed, too, that they were also dwelling in the pagan people. The demons begged not to be thrown into the abyss.

When the citizens heard this they shouted for joy and were converted. But Octavius was afraid lest the emperor heard about this apostasy, and cut off the head of the saint. Then he repented and became a Christian. A bit bloody late. These things happened on the ides of March.   

 

The Spear of Destiny

"A legend grew around the lance that whoever possessed it would be able to conquer the world. Napolean [sic] attempted to obtain the lance after the battle of Austerlitz, but it had been smuggled out of the city prior to the start of the fight and he never got a hold of it. According to the legend, Charlemagne carried the spear through 47 successful battles, but died when he accidentally dropped it. Barbarossa met the same fate only a few minutes after it slipped out of his hands while he was crossing a stream. 

"The spear finally wound up in the possession of the House of the Hapsburgs and by 1912 was part of the treasure collection stored in Hofburg Museum. According to Ravenscroft it was in September of that year, while living in Vienna and working as a watercolor painter, that a young Adolf Hitler visited the Museum and learned of the lance and its reputation. Dr. Walter Stein, who accompanied Hitler on that visit, remembered, 'when we first stood side by side in front of the Spear of Destiny it appeared to me that Hitler was in so deep a condition of trance that he was suffering almost complete sense-denudation and a total lack of self-consciousness.' 

"Hitler later said, 'I stood there quietly gazing upon it for several minutes quite oblivious to the scene around me. It seemed to carry some hidden inner meaning which evaded me, a meaning which I felt I inwardly knew yet could not bring to consciousness ... I felt as though I myself had held it before in some earlier century of history. That I myself had once claimed it as my talisman of power and held the destiny of the world in my hands ...' 

"Hitler saw the lance as his mystical connection with generations of conquering Germanic leaders that had come before him. On March 14, 1938, after he had risen to power as the chancellor of Germany, Hitler annexed the state of Austria and ordered that the spear, along with the rest of the Habsburg collection, be sent to the city of Nuremberg, heart of the Nazi movement."   Source

 

The Spear of Longinus, or Holy Lance, from Wikipedia

The Spear of Destiny, sometimes known as the Spear of Longinus, is claimed to be the spear that pierced the side of Jesus Christ when he was on the cross. It is described in John 19:31-37 as being used by a Roman soldier. Later Christian tradition would give the soldier's name as Gaius Cassius, and he is later called Longinus. It should be noted that there is a historical figure named Gaius Cassius Longinus, one of the conspirators responsible for the death of Gaius Julius Caesar (died March 15, 44 BC).

It is believed by some to have passed through the hands of influential world leaders throughout the ages including Herod the Great, Constantine, Justinian, Charlemagne, Otto the Great, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, the Habsburg Emperors, and Adolf Hitler. The earliest reports of the Spear were circa 570 CE, described as having been on display in the basilica of Mount Zion in Jerusalem adjacent to the Crown of Thorns. The point of the spearhead was alleged to have been snapped following the Persian conquest of Jerusalem in 615. The point was set into an icon, and found its way to the church of Hagia Sophia in Constantinople. It was later transported to France, where it remained in the Sainte Chapelle until the 18^th Century. The icon was briefly moved to the Bibliotheque Nationale in Paris during the French Revolution, but it subsequently disappeared. The lower section of the spearhead was allegedly conveyed from Jerusalem to Constantinople sometime in the 8th century. It was sent by Sultan Beyazid II as a gift to Pope Innocent VIII in 1492; Innocent had the relic placed in St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. It still resides there. The Catholic Church makes no claim as to its authenticity.

It is superstitiously believed that whosoever might hold the Spear would have the power to conquer the world but losing it would mean instant death. The legend states that since the Spear had pierced the body of God (Jesus) that it became imbued with some kind of magical power and therefore was a weapon capable of defeating any opponent.

Hitler's interest in the relic probably originated with his interest in the 1882 opera Parsifal — by Hitler's favorite composer, Richard Wagner — which concerned a group of 9th century knights and their quest for the Holy Grail.

On March 12, 1938, the day Hitler annexed Austria, he arrived in Vienna a conquering hero. He made his way to the Hofmuseum where he took possession of the Spear which he immediately sent to St. Katherine's Church in Nuremberg, the spiritual capital of Nazi Germany.

One legend maintains that the Spear came into the possession of the United States of America on April 30, 1945; specifically, under the control of the 3rd Army led by General George Patton. Later that day, supposedly in fulfilment of the legend, Hitler committed suicide. Patton became fascinated by the ancient weapon and had its authenticity verified. Patton did not go on to use the Spear, as orders came down from General Dwight Eisenhower that the complete Hapsburg regalia including the Spear of Longinus were to be returned to the Hofburg Treasure House, where it remains today. This legend has recently been shown to be quite false. The Spear was not recovered until roughly six months after Hitler's suicide, and Patton never had possession of it.

The Spear is generally regarded by experts as a fake. The earliest verifiable account of this Spear was its use in a coronation ceremony in 1273. Recent metallurgy indicates the Spear as having been made in the 7^th century CE at the earliest, although it may contain an authentic Roman crucifixion nail; but that nail has also been altered.

There are several other competing relics in different locations. One such "Holy Lance" was allegedly unearthed by a Crusader named Peter Bartholomew in Antioch in 1098 while the Crusaders were under siege from the Seljuk Turks under Kerbogha. Peter Bartholomew reported that he had had a vision in which St. Andrew told him that the Holy Lance was buried in St. Peter's Cathedral in Antioch. At the time some were skeptical, but others were convinced. In any case, after much digging in the cathedral, Peter Bartholomew took a hand and, in a few moments, discovered the lance. For some of the Crusaders this was a marvelous discovery. At the same time, dissension had begun in the ranks of the Muslim army besieging the city. This combination of factors resulted in the Christian army being able to rout the Moslems a few days later when they joined battle, allowing the Crusaders to decisively capture Antioch.

That Lance is now at Etschmiadzin in Armenia. Scholars believe that it is not actually a Roman lance but the head of a Roman standard. Another purported Holy Lance has been in Krakow since the 1200s.

Catholic Encyclopedia – The Holy Lance    The search for the real Holy Lance    Gesta Version

Version of Raymond d'Aguiliers    Book about Hitler and the Spear of Destiny

The Occult Roots of Nazi Power    More    More

More at June 10 1098, in the Book of Days

Farvardigan, The Ten Days of the Dead, ancient Persia, Zoroastrianism (Mar 10 - 20)

Elaphebolion Noumenia, ancient Greece (eve of Mar 14 - eve of Mar 15)
A festival honouring all the gods and goddesses. "Flutes were played; prayers were said; offerings of barley, olive oil, incense, and food were burned in an offering hearth; and libations of water and wine were made."   Source

Festivals in ancient Greece

Festival of the god Mars, ancient Rome (Mar 1 - 19)

Feast day of St Abraham (Lasting mercury, Mercurialis perennis, is today's plant, dedicated to this saint), hermit of Mesopotamia, and his niece, St Mary

Feast day of St Aristobulus

Feast day of St Artemide Zatti

Feast day of St Clement Mary Hofbauer

Feast day of St John Adalbert Balicki

Feast day of St Leocrita (Leocritia) of Cordova, virgin, martyr

Feast day of St Louise de Marillac

Feast day of St Mancius

Feast day of St Matrona

Feast day of St Menignus

Feast day of St Monaldus of Ancona

Feast day of St Nicander

Feast day of St Speciosus

Feast day of St William Hart

Feast day of St Zachary, pope
(Coltsfoot, Tussilago farfala, is also today's plant, dedicated to this saint.)

Click for Eastern Orthodox liturgical days    Shop saints

Thanksgiving Day, Honduras

National holiday in Hungary celebrating the 1848 Revolution. (See also Public holidays in Hungary)

Independence Days, Paraguay (Mar 14 and 15)

Tagata Honen-Sai (Hōnen Matsuri; Honen Matsuri), Tagata-jinja Shrine, Inuyama; also the best known of these festivals takes place in the town of Komaki, just north of Nagoya City, and other places in Japan

In this fertility festival, a 3-metre-long wooden phallus is carried out of the shrine of the god Izanagi ('the male who invites'; a deity in Japanese mythology and then Shintoism) at Tagata-jinja, near Inuyama in central Honshu, and through the streets. A kind of insemination magic ritual is enacted as the bearers of the phallus offer drinks to farmers, and infertile couples touch the phallus for luck.

Tagata Shrine, with its emphasis on the penis, is generally considered a men's shrine, but according to legend it was a favourite of Tamahime-no-Mikoto, the guardian goddess of women.

The nearby Ogata-jinja Shrine is dedicated to the female Shinto deity, Izanami ('the female who invites'; sister-consort of Izanagi, with whom she made the world), and attracts women devotees who are seeking  marriage or childbirth. 

Izanami through Izanagi bore many islands, deities, and forefathers of Japan. When Izanami died in childbirth, Izanagi tried (but failed) to retrieve her from Yomi (a hades). In the cleansing rite after his return, he 'gave birth to' Amaterasu (the sun goddess) from his left eye, Tsukiyomi (the moon god) from his right eye, and Susanowo (Susanoo no mikoto; Susa-no-O; tempest or storm god) from his nose.

Izanami was created from chaos by the celestial deities, and with Izanagi, was responsible for the creation of the eight Japanese islands and their corresponding deities, saying: "We have now produced the Great-Eight-Island country, with the mountains, rivers, herbs, and trees. Why should we not produce some one who shall be the Lord of the Universe?" Among others, they created Ku-ku-no-chi, the ancestor of the trees, and next the ancestor of herbs, Kaya no hime. Izanami's last creation was Kagu-tsuchi, the god of fire, who during his birth severely burned Izanami, leading her to spawn several additional gods from the expulsions caused by her death throes; afterwards she journeyed to Yomi, the land of darkness. 

Grief-stricken, Izanagi is said to have beheaded the child, birthing several new gods from the drops of blood that fell from his sword. Izanagi then journeyed to Yomi to plead for Izanami's return, but Izanami had eaten food in the underworld realm, and when Izanami lit a fire, discovered her decaying, filled with worms. In anger, Izanagi blocked the entrance to Yomi, trapping Izanami within. Enraged at her husband, Izanami caused one thousand people to die per day, saying: "My dear lord and husband, if thou sayest so, I will strangle to death the people in one day". Izanagi retaliated by birthing fifteen hundred people each day.

"Standing on Ama-no-ukihashi (the floating bridge of the heavens), they plunged a jewel crested spear into the ocean. When they pulled it free, the water that dripped from the spear coagulated and formed the first island of the Japanese archipelago. Here the first gods and humans were born.

"When his wife died giving birth, Izanagi went to the underworld to retrieve her, but she refused to come back with him and they parted forever. When Iganami returned from the underworld, he started the first cleaning rites. He washed his left eye and thus created the sun goddess Amaterasu. When he washed his right eye, the moon goddess Tsuki-Yumi came forth. From his nose he created Susanowo, the god of the seas and the storms."    Source

See also the Kanamara Matsuri & Jibeta Matsuri (Metal Phallus Festival)

Fest photo    Shinto Creation Stories: Izanagi no Mikoto and Izanami no Mikoto

Deities of many cultures in the Book of Days    Phallic processions   

Turkey buzzards return to Hinckley, Ohio, USA   

"There are at least two stories that purport to explain this inspiring phenomenon, both of which take us back to the early 1800s. One involves witchcraft and a curse put upon the community; the other is the theory of the 'Great Hinckley Hunt.'"   Source

 

International Day Against Police Brutality

For corporations in the United States that use the calendar year as their fiscal year, the date on which the corporation must file its corporate income tax return

World Consumer Rights Day

 

 

 

1638 Shunzhi Emperor of China

 

1767 Andrew Jackson ('Old Hickory'; d. June 8, 1845), 7^th President of the United States

"• He was the first president to ride on a railroad train, the first to be born in a log cabin and the first president to be nominated by a political party.
• He survived the first attempt to assassinate a president.
• He is known historically for creating a strong executive branch.
• At age 13, while serving in the army, he was captured by the British. The British officer in charge ordered Jackson to clean his boots. Jackson refused; the officer struck him with his sword, leaving Jackson's face and hand permanently scarred."   Source

Jackson destroys American Native village of Talladega

Jackson kills a man in a duel    Assassination attempt

Andrew Jackson & Trail of Tears

Argument for Indian Removal    More    And more

 

1779 William Lamb, 2^nd Viscount Melbourne (d. November 24, 1848), Prime Minister of the United Kingdom after whom Melbourne, Australia, was named in 1837. He first came to public notice for reasons he would preferred to have avoided: his wife had a public affair with English poet, Lord Byron. It was she who coined the famous characterization of the poet as "mad, bad, and dangerous to know". The resulting scandal was the talk of Britain in 1812.

In 1836, Lord Melbourne was once again involved in a sex scandal, this time as the victim of attempted blackmail by the husband of a close friend, society beauty and author Caroline Norton. When Melbourne refused to pay the blackmailer £1,400, the jealous husband made his allegations public.

1813 John Snow (d. 1858), English physician who pioneered the use of ether as an anaesthetic

1830 Paul Heyse (d. 1914), writer and winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature, 1910

1835 Eduard Strauss (d. 1916), composer

1854 Emil Adolf von Behring (d. 1917), winner of the Nobel Prize in Physiology or Medicine 1901

1865 Johan Halvorsen, Norwegian composer

1890 Boris Nikolaevich Delaunay (d. 1980), Russian mathematician

1905 Berthold Graf Schenk von Stauffenberg (d. 1944), lawyer and Nazi opponent

1907 Zarah Leander (d. 1981), actress and singer

1912 Lightnin' Hopkins (d. 1982), musician

1913 Macdonald Carey, American actor, best known as the disembodied voice reciting the preamble to Days of Our Lives on TV

1916 Harry James (d. 1983), musician, band leader

1919 Lawrence Tierney (d. 2002), actor

1920 Lawrence Sanders (d. 1998), novelist

1924 Walter Gotell (d. 1997), actor

1933 Ruth Bader Ginsburg, associate justice of the United States Supreme Court

1933 Roy Clark, country musician

1935 Jimmy Swaggart, televangelist

 

1935 Judd Hirsch, actor

1940 Phil Lesh, musician (Grateful Dead)

 

1941 Mike Love, musician (The Beach Boys)

MIKE LOVE: Hi. This is Mike Love.

BRUCE JOHNSTON: And I'm Bruce Johnston.

MIKE LOVE: For years, we've been making music with the Beach Boys and havin' fun in the sun. We've had the opportunity to travel all over the earth and experience its beauty. But without the effort of each one of us to preserve the environment, our precious gift will slowly waste away.

BRUCE JOHNSTON: Did you know that the average home produces more carbon dioxide than the average car? By choosing energy-efficient products, you can help save our environment and use less energy at work and at home. When you use energy-efficient products, you help prevent the pollution of our air and water, and you can save money too.

MIKE LOVE: So join us, the Alliance to Save Energy and the rest of the Beach Boys by doing your part to protect the environment. Look for products with the ENERGY STAR label.

The Beach Boys' Energy Message

Wilson's Almanac Book of Days hip list

 

1943 David Cronenberg, director

1944 Sly Stone, musician

1944 Elisabeth Plessen, writer

1945 Mark J Green, lawyer, author and public official

1947 Ry Cooder, guitarist

1948 Sérgio Vieira de Mello (d. August 19, 2003), Brazilian United Nations (UN) diplomat who worked for the UN for more than 34 years, earning respect and praise around the world for his efforts in the humanitarian and political programs of the UN. He was killed in the Canal Hotel Bombing along with other members of his staff.

1955 Dee Snider, singer

1961 Fabio, model

1961 Ervin Nemeth, educator, author, translator

1962 Terence Trent D'Arby, American-born, British-based rock and soul singer/songwriter (first album: Introducing the Hardline According to Terence Trent D'Arby).

In 1987, D'Arby humbly proclaimed his first album, before its release, as being among "the most brilliant debuts from any artist in the past ten years".

More

1967 Naoko Takeuchi, manga artist

1971 Mark McGrath, musician (Sugar Ray)

1972 Mark Hoppus, musician (Blink 182)

1975 Eva Longoria, actress (The Young and the Restless, Desperate Housewives)

 

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March

9 Telephone Day
10 Money Day
11 Dream Day
11 Frankenstein's Birthday
12 Plant A Flower Day
12 Alfred Hitchcock Day
12 Department Store Day
13 Uranus Day
14 Pi Day
14 Potato Chip Day
14 Genius Day
14 White Day
15 Ides Of March
15 Buzzard Day
16 Everything You Do Is Right Day
16 St Urho's Day
16 Curlew Day
16 Hiccup Day
17 St Patrick's Day
17 St Patrick's Day Parade (New York)
17 Submarine Day
18 Paper Dress Day
18 Grandparents And Grandchildren Day
18 Quilting Day
19 Let's Laugh Day
19 St Joseph's Day
19 Chocolate Caramel Day
19 Swallows Day
20 Autumnal Equinox / Spring Equinox
20 Smile Rejuvenation Day
20 Astrology Day
21 Nowruz
21 Flower Day
21 Baha'i New Year
21 Single Parents Day
22 Sing Out Day
22 International Goof Off Day
22 Roller Coaster Day
22 World Water Day
23 Cuddly Kitten Day
23 Liberty Day
24 Chocolate Covered Raisins Day
24 Houdini Day
25 Pecan Day
25 Independence Day (Greece)
26 Birthday Of Robert Frost
27 Photography Day
27 Fly A Kite Day
27 World Theatre Day
28 Hot Tub Day
28 Respect Your Cat Day
30 Doctors' Day
31 Bunsen Burner Day

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44 BCE The Ides of March: Julius Caesar, (b. 100 BCE), General of the Roman Republic,  was assassinated by a group of Roman senators, receiving 23 stab wounds.

On the night preceding his assassination, Caesar dreamed that he was soaring above the clouds on wings, and that he placed his hand in the right hand of Jupiter, king of the Roman gods. Coincidentally, in Rome, about 24 hours before his death, a small species of sparrow, known to the Romans by a regal name, was observed to fly towards the senate house, consecrated by Pompey, whilst a crowd of other birds was seen to follow it, towards Pompey's Hall. The little bird was overtaken by his enemies, and they tore him to pieces.

Other omens:

Caesar's wife Calpurnia dreamed that their house had fallen in, that he had been killed by assassins, and that he had taken refuge in her bosom.

The arms of Mars, deposited in Caesar's house, rattled at night.

The doors of his bedroom flew open spontaneously.

Solitary birds appeared in the Forum.

There were lights in the sky and nocturnal noises.

A flame issued from the hand of a soldier's slave without hurting him.

The attendant mistakenly removed his throne from the senate room, thinking it would not be needed.

It is said that as he was stabbed he adjusted his mantle so that the lower part of his body would not be exposed as he fell.

 

Caesar's classic: lucky escape

Julius Caesar wrote the Commentaries on the Wars of Gaul, a book that would have been lost forever, had he not swum in the Bay of Alexandria from his ship with the book in one hand and his weapons in the other.

 

Coin of Brutus

 

"In February 44, Caesar showed clearly that he would never restore the republic that he had overthrown. He received the senators as a king (not rising from his seat when they entered the room), wanted himself to be crowned (text) and had himself proclaimed dictator for ever. All this was extremely unrepublican, and Brutus decided that he had to act.

"Some 60 senators conspired to assassinate the dictator, and Brutus, who was close to Caesar, became one of the leaders of the plot."   Source

 

Virtual tour of the Roman Forum    The burial of Caesar

 

 

220 Death of Cao Cao (Cáo Cāo; pron. 'Tsao Tsao'), King of the Kingdom of Wei, poet.

493 Death of Odoacer (b. 435), King of Italy (murdered by Theoderic the Great).

1079 Sultan Jalal al-Din Malekshah Saljuqi (1072 - '92) put Omar Khayyam's corrected calendar into effect, as in Europe Julius Caesar had done in 46 BCE.

1493 Christopher Columbus returned to Spain after his first trip to the Americas.

1545 First meeting of the Council of Trent

1649 England: Poet John Milton was appointed Secretary of Foreign Tongues by the new Commonwealth government.

1672 Charles II of England issued the Royal Declaration of Indulgence.

1909 Selfridges department store opened in London. American businessman GS Selfridge opened London's first American-style department store in Oxford Street.

1916 US President Woodrow Wilson sent 12,000 United States troops over the Mexican border to pursue Pancho Villa.

1917 Tsar Nicholas II of Russia abdicated himself and his son from the Russian throne, thus ending the 300-year Romanov dynasty.

1919 The American Legion formed in Paris

1922 After Egypt gained nominal independence from the United Kingdom, Fuad I became King of Egypt.

1933 Adolf Hitler proclaimed the German Third Reich.

Richard Lederer - St Paul's School 

One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot. 

The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate in the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. 

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked, "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birth mark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his twelve sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. 

Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the philatelists, a race of people who lived in biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines. 

Without the Greeks we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three kinds of columns-- Corinthian, Doric, and Ironic. They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles appears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. 

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. 

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were doing. When they fought with the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men. 

Eventually the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. 

Then came the middle ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense. 

In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head. 

The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper. 

The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted, "hurrah". Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo. 

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear. Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He lived at Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies, comedies, and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 

During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this. 

One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in the tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. During the War, the Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. 

Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms. 

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength". Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 

Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees. 

Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest, even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. 

France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the Napoleonic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear children. 

The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign. 

The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers. 

The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.